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  1. #1
    Moderated GPRXPJared's Avatar
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    The Official Joke Thread

    An Englishwoman and her young son were travelling in a taxi in New York. As they were driving through a rather seedy looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by.

    "Mummy" the boy asked, "what are those ladies doing?"

    The mother, clearly embarassed by the question, replied: "I expect they're lost and are asking people for directions"

    The taxi driver overhead this and interrupted: "why not tell me boy the truth, those women are prostitutes."

    The mother blushed more brightly at this remark but the boy wouldn't let it go:

    "What are prostitutes Mummy, are they like other women, do they have children too?"

    "Of course" the mother replied, "that's where New York taxi drivers come from."


  2. #2
    Moderated GPRXPJared's Avatar
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    This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

    "I was only going 40!" the driver protested.

    "Not according to my radar," the officer replied.

    "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

    "No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,

    "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

  3. #3
    Moderated GPRXPJared's Avatar
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    (in red is the joke)

    An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

    The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

    The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

    The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

    The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

    The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license.

    The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

    The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

    "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

  4. #4
    Moderated GPRXPJared's Avatar
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    There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway's made it by there by 2PM.

    One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?

    "No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I've got a rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."

    The man says, "Ok!"

    They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell BEEP BEEP if I'm going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eye's widen in fright.

    Sure enough, the light changes and THEY'RE OFF! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.

    Meanwhile, at the local police dept... "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a 'Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street."

    "What's so weird about that?" asks the other cops.

    The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming BEEP BEEP and trying to pass!"

  5. #5
    Moderated GPRXPJared's Avatar
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    A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

    Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.

    She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock 'n' roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.

    A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, "Asshole!"

    ...The radio cut over to Barack Obama's press conference.
    Last edited by GPRXPJared; 10-21-2009 at 10:46 AM.

  6. #6
    Moderated GPRXPJared's Avatar
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    An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess."

    The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste.

    A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first."

  7. #7
    Rampage's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by VENOM GPRXP View Post

    ...The radio cut over to George Bush's press conference.
    I think you mean Obamas...

  8. #8
    Pauly C. Small Paul's Avatar
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    I'm a Cleveland fan, so legally I can tell this joke...


    A guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also
    has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.

    The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here?
    My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."

    The bartender replies, "Normally,cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but
    it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at
    the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll
    have to ask you to leave"

    The guyagrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon the
    Browns kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar and walks
    down the bar and gives everyone a high five.

    The bartender says,"Hey, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a
    touchdown?"

    The guy answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 2 years

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