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  1. #1
    bowsniper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008

    Too Funny! omg. read this and see if it fits yourself wrenching on stuff.

    This should make ya smile. I did.

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
    flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
    chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
    freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
    where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
    under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
    and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
    to say, 'Oh sh -- '

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
    holes until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
    of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert

    minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
    dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
    heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
    intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
    flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
    grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
    handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
    to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
    into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
    the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
    of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
    lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
    on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
    Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
    to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
    butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
    is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
    adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
    cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
    well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
    bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
    parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in

    DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
    while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
    often, the next tool that you will need.

  2. #2
    johnsonmtz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Mt. Zion Illinois

    Now that's funny right thar, I don't care who ya are!!!

    If you have never used the damn-it tool, you've never really done a project.


  3. #3
    2&4strokepolaristech's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    I guess AL and Kevin finally put a list together about "Chris"the plumber!!!

    Just kidding chris!!!! How is the 787 engine?

  4. #4
    casey67's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Quote Originally Posted by bowsniper View Post
    two-ton engine hoist: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
    of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    also a complicated way to lift a car.

    straight screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
    to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
    butchering your palms.

    the perfect paint strirrer-with a comfortable handle.

    can also be used to stab your leg,when you don't have a vice to hold the project.


  5. #5
    Bing-A-Ding-Ding-Ding, Brrrrrap! Brrrrrrrrrap!!! Polaris_Nut#1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Pittsfield, MA

  6. #6
    1996 SL900 & SL700 turk0004's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Chicago IL
    Hilarious! Me, Pliers and blood blisters are a routine threesome.

  7. #7
    mr. happyfunbear tenjuna's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Davenport, IA
    I am only a recent user of the dammit tool, the rest I am sure I will use at some point or another.

    good stuff.

  8. #8
    Buy American or Learn To Read This: >^$"#[email protected]*$:?</
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Glendale, Az
    Bowsniper, you must have gooten that from a REDNECKER!!!

  9. #9
    bowsniper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Nope!. Dad's buddy sent it to him. Maybe He's the REDNECK! lol

  10. #10
    Too damn funny LOL

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