Thread: Just Jokes
10-24-2006, 02:30 PM #1
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, Ē Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were tough, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another, so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles to the field.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they 're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so the farmer hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to the field to try again.
The following morning, MUD again! This continued all week until the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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