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  1. #1
    ADAMBOMB's Avatar
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    How to start a fight

    Subject: HOW TO START A FIGHT


    One year, I
    decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery

    plot as a Christmas gift...
    The next year, I didn't buy her

    a gift. When she asked me why, I
    replied,"Well, you still

    haven't used the gift I bought you last
    year!"

    And that's how the fight
    started.....

    ________________________________

    My wife and I were
    watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

    while we were in bed. I
    turned to her and said, 'Do you want

    to have Sex?' 'No,' she
    answered. I then said, 'Is that your

    final
    answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
    'Yes..'

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's
    when the fight started...

    ________________________________

    I took
    my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took

    my order first.
    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried
    about the mad cow?"

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's
    when the fight started.....

    ________________________________

    My
    wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,

    and she
    kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he

    sat alone at a
    nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took

    to drinking right after
    we split up those many years ago, and I hear

    he hasn't been sober
    since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating

    that long?"
    And then the fight
    started...

    ________________________________

    When our lawn mower
    broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

    that I should get it

    fixed. But, somehow I always had
    something else
    to take

    care of first, the shed, the boat, making
    beer. It was always something
    more

    important to me. Finally she
    thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I
    found her seated in the tall grass,
    busily

    snipping away with a tiny
    pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
    for

    a short time and then
    went into the house.. I was gone only a minute,
    and

    when I came out
    again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
    finish

    cutting the
    grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk
    again, but I will always have a
    limp.

    _______________________________


    My wife sat down next to
    me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
    "What's

    on TV?" I
    said, "Dust."

    And then the fight
    started...

    ________________________________

    Saturday morning I got
    up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and

    slipped quietly into the
    garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
    and

    proceeded to
    back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing

    50 mph, so I
    pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
    then
    I

    discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back
    into the

    house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled
    up to my

    wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
    "The
    weather

    out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 5 years
    replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
    husband

    is out fishing in
    that?"

    And that's how the fight
    started...

    ________________________________

    My wife was hinting
    about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want
    something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
    seconds."

    I bought
    her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight
    started......

    _______________________________

    After retiring, I
    went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
    Security.

    The
    woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
    verify
    my

    age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
    wallet at home. I
    told the

    woman that I was very sorry, but I would
    have to go home and come back
    later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your
    shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
    curly

    silver hair. She said,
    'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
    for me' and

    she
    processed my Social Security application..When I got home, I
    excitedly
    told

    my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...She
    said,
    'You should

    have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
    disability, too.'

    And then the fight started...

    __________
    ______________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom
    mirror. She was not
    happy

    with what she saw and said to me, "I feel
    horrible; I look old, fat and
    ugly. I really

    need you to pay me a
    compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near
    perfect."

    And then
    the fight started......



  2. #2

    Join Date
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    lmao!! i will use some of those =)

  3. #3
    Daveski's Avatar
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    HILARIOUS!

  4. #4
    chewweeee monarchmt's Avatar
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    now thatz good stuff>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

  5. #5
    L Carlson's Avatar
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    LOL

  6. #6
    Those are some really good laugh....Thanks

  7. #7
    ADAMBOMB's Avatar
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  8. #8
    07STX15's Avatar
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    Good stuff!!!1

  9. #9
    Never say never KirkF350's Avatar
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    Thats awesome!!

  10. #10
    HOSS's Avatar
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    I`ve used the dust one for the tv but called it snow.

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