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  1. #1
    Resident Jicky Jack Jeff C's Avatar
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    OT: Advice needed - Divorce

    I have a very close buddy of mine that his wife dropped the bomb the other day and asked him for a divorce.

    They have two little girls (Twins) 7 years old. He told me that they were going to sit down the girls and tell them. I told my buddy that they should wait for awhile and get some advice on how to tell the girls. My thinking here is that there is a right way and a wrong way to tell the girls, besides, what is the rush? It's not like the girls' friends are going to come up to them and say "I heard your mom and dad are getting a divorce". Little kids don't even grasp the concept of this. Plus their parents wouldn't even be discussing this with their kids.

    So, how should they go about telling the kids, and what knowledge or actions should they bring to the table when doing this?

    My advice so far has been to tell the parents that they should consult a family psychologist or professional that deals with this sort of thing.

    I know this is not a "Dr. Phil" message board, but undoubtedly, some of you have been in the same boat as my buddy and will have some valuable advice.......

    Thoughts?


  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff C View Post
    I have a very close buddy of mine that his wife dropped the bomb the other day and asked him for a divorce.

    They have two little girls (Twins) 7 years old. He told me that they were going to sit down the girls and tell them. I told my buddy that they should wait for awhile and get some advice on how to tell the girls. My thinking here is that there is a right way and a wrong way to tell the girls, besides, what is the rush? It's not like the girls' friends are going to come up to them and say "I heard your mom and dad are getting a divorce". Little kids don't even grasp the concept of this. Plus their parents wouldn't even be discussing this with their kids.

    So, how should they go about telling the kids, and what knowledge or actions should they bring to the table when doing this?

    My advice so far has been to tell the parents that they should consult a family psychologist or professional that deals with this sort of thing.

    I know this is not a "Dr. Phil" message board, but undoubtedly, some of you have been in the same boat as my buddy and will have some valuable advice.......

    Thoughts?
    This topic has meaning to me being that my parents divorced when I was young, my parents did a great job of helping me through it. a couple of things they did that now that i'm older i appricate;

    Never fought or discussed divorce in front of me ( I didn't even know there was a problem untill they sat me down)

    Went overboard to let me know that my life as I knew it would'nt change(School,friends,childhood house) to a kid those are huge.

    It had to be hard but after the seperation they remained pleasent to each other regaurding visits,trips,stay overs. That was real important to me because i never felt that i had to pay for there problems.

    We even tried Chrismas and Holidays together(Don't reccommend that)
    We now have a set schedule that never changes(Very important)As a kid you need to know your schedule exactly, it sucks to have to wait on holiday plans.

    they never talked bad about each other(What's more confusing than hearing your DAD call your MOM unpleasent things?)

    I can go on forever.. hope I helped

  3. #3
    Resident Jicky Jack Jeff C's Avatar
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    Alex:

    That does help, thank you. I am going to, at some point, have my buddy log on to this page and read this.....

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff C View Post
    Alex:

    That does help, thank you. I am going to, at some point, have my buddy log on to this page and read this.....
    Jeff,

    Anything I can do to help. I have no problem talking with him about how I felt as a kid, at the end of the day that's all that's important.
    Divorce can either make or break the mental stability of a child.

    Alex

  5. #5
    qbzonk's Avatar
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    I was 4 when my parents divorced. They did everything Alex13 mentioned and I was totally fine with it.

    Holidays were split, whereas I spent the morning with mom and her family, then I spent the eves with pops and his side of the family. It worked out great.

  6. #6
    75 mph on a budget TorquePhoto's Avatar
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    if it not too forward to ask.....Alex13, how old were you when this happend & how old are you now?

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by TorquePhoto View Post
    if it not too forward to ask.....Alex13, how old were you when this happend & how old are you now?
    I was 14 then and 31 now

  8. #8
    Resident Jicky Jack Jeff C's Avatar
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    I am helping him with other aspects of his divorce, primarily the financial side, and just being there to listen etc, but I want to make sure they do the telling of the kids in the best way possible.

    I was reading on the internet from several sources, that you should delay in telling the kids until (She in this case), is about to leave the house. No sense in telling the kids a few months in advance "that mommy and daddy are not going to live together anymore", and then they do live together for several weeks or months.


    Any thoughts on that as well?

    Just a bit of background, he did not cheat, she did not cheat, she just does not love him anymore. She wants the divorce, he does not 50/50 custody etc.......

  9. #9
    Matthew K ReDevilRXP's Avatar
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    Im a sociology major and we actaully learned about this stuff a couple weeks ago my proffesor said that breaking it to him is a hard part. but the bigger part that they should be worring bout more is to make sure the kids can live out as much of a normal life ass possible. Not having a father figure around or mother figure around is a huge effect on a girl or boy just like people here are saying as long as they keep a good relationship between both parents and they see them a lot is probably one of the most important parts in a divorce. One of my best friends parents were divorced and he hated his step father his mtoher focused more on her new family then old so he wasnt really payed attention to and he had no push to do anything with his life. his father lived across the country and never spoke to him he ended up turning into a huge drug addict and is probably living in a closet somewhere. Im not sure if thats right thats what our text book says just my 2 cents. i hope everything works out for the best for them.
    Last edited by ReDevilRXP; 11-15-2006 at 01:40 PM.

  10. #10
    Flynfox's Avatar
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    Post

    Jeff C,

    Sorry to hear about your friend, divorce is always tough.

    I divorced after 9+ years and my son was 7 also. Due to all the chaos my wife and I never really discussed with him but I do believe it's the right thing to do, but very carefully.

    I agree with ReDevilRXP in the sense that children must understand that yes their lifestyle will change but it won't mean the loss of a parent or that they were abandoned. Seven is a tender age and all children are different but for the most part kids are very resilient.

    Personally I think the biggest factor is how the parents handle themselves before and after the divorce. My ex and I had many disagreements but our son, Robby, was never used as a pawn. He is a normal 16 y/o now and is doing fine in school etc. I was always, and continue to be, a very big part of his life.


    Sincerely,

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