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Thread: Poop Guide :)

  1. #1
    Moderator RX951's Avatar
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    Red face Poop Guide :)

    HOW TO POOP AT WORK
    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
    convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate
    pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
    work.
    >>
    CROP DUSTING:
    When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your
    area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.Be
    careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
    Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
    >>
    FLY BY:
    This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
    check for other poopers.If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
    come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
    become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
    >>
    ESCAPEE:
    This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
    poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
    embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
    did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
    pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable
    for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
    >>
    JAILBREAK:
    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
    usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
    not panic. Remain in the stall until everyhone has left the bathroom to
    spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
    >>
    COURTESY FLUSH:

    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
    reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
    can help you avoid being caught doing WALK OF SHAME.
    >>
    WALK OF SHAME:
    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
    the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
    and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
    exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the
    COURTESY FLUSH
    >>
    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
    This is a colleague who poops at work and is damm proud of it. You will
    often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
    or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out
    Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
    >>
    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):
    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
    without incident. This group can help you to monitor the wherabouts of
    Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
    >>
    SAFE HAVENS:
    A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
    can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
    sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
    bathroom.
    >>
    TURD BURGLAR:
    This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
    force the door open. This is the one of the most shocking and vulnerable
    moments that can occur when taking a poop at work if this occurs, remain in
    the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
    will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
    >>
    CAMO-COUGH:

    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are
    in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
    WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very
    effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
    >>
    ASTAIRE:
    An Astaire is a subltle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
    Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will eleminate all doubt that
    the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
    immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
    >>
    WATERMELON:
    A Watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
    toilet water. This is also an embarresing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
    coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
    >>
    HAVANA OMELET:
    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
    water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
    Astaire.
    >>
    UNCLE TODD:
    An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This
    person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
    sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the
    crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
    This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.



    Hope this survival Guide helps!!!


  2. #2
    JAG's Avatar
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    Here's how I poop at work...





    You think I've got a good setup...well I'm actually jealous of the setup my boss has...they always have the better setup!


  3. #3
    All hail the Chief! fullboogie's Avatar
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    On a related topic...

    One time Fercho and I were in a hardware store scouting some fittings. We're walking down the aisle when we see this really, really got chick. Fernando leans over and starts telling me what he'd do with her if he only had a chance. I'm rolling my eyes, and he just keeps talking.

    As we get closer, about 10 feet from the girl, there's a cross aisle to the left and right. I slyly slow down a tad and let Fernando get in front of me, then I let out the mother of all thunder farts and quickly dart out of the aisle to the left. The hot girl, or course, turns around and looks right at Fernando.

    He chased me all around the store, red as a beet, yelling "What did you do?! What did you do to me you M.F.?!". He finally tackled me and started punching me because he was so embarassed. The kicker - when I looked up from Fernando assaulting me, we were in the toilet section!

    I literally collapsed in the aisle laughing so hard at his reaction. Sucker!

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by fullboogie View Post
    On a related topic...

    One time Fercho and I were in a hardware store scouting some fittings. We're walking down the aisle when we see this really, really got chick. Fernando leans over and starts telling me what he'd do with her if he only had a chance. I'm rolling my eyes, and he just keeps talking.

    As we get closer, about 10 feet from the girl, there's a cross aisle to the left and right. I slyly slow down a tad and let Fernando get in front of me, then I let out the mother of all thunder farts and quickly dart out of the aisle to the left. The hot girl, or course, turns around and looks right at Fernando.

    He chased me all around the store, red as a beet, yelling "What did you do?! What did you do to me you M.F.?!". He finally tackled me and started punching me because he was so embarassed. The kicker - when I looked up from Fernando assaulting me, we were in the toilet section!

    I literally collapsed in the aisle laughing so hard at his reaction. Sucker!
    Now that's some funny chit

  5. #5
    Happily Self-Employed WFO's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by VOODOO View Post
    Now that's some funny chit
    Yes it is.

  6. #6
    Moderator RX951's Avatar
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    BAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!hahehaheae !!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Now thats funny

    Fernando -->

    David --->


    Last edited by RX951; 12-06-2006 at 12:01 AM.

  7. #7
    Looking for a job gtxsc03's Avatar
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    Now that's some funny chit. I'm posting this is in the restroom for all the Professional Poopers in our office.

  8. #8
    2000 GPRXP 4tec shooter98xpl's Avatar
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    after reading this I am going to go take a OUT OF THE CLOSET POOP cause I am a proud pooper. In fact, I love it when I am at the plant and go to the bathroom and 3 of the 4 stalls are taken. I jump in the 4th one and start grunting and farting. ****'em if they can't take a smell or sound, its part of life. You **** you fart and then you go back to work. I never understood why people are so embarrassed about it.
    SHOOTER

  9. #9
    Billie, you got us again bro! that is soem funny crap, hahahaha ...PR...

    I just copied and pasted that to bring into work, Thanks Billie!
    Last edited by Pale Rider; 12-07-2006 at 08:15 PM.

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