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  1. #1
    big john's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Cocoa Beach, Florida, United States

    LMAO the joke thread

    After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

    "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

    "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

    "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

    "Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.

    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

    "Please slow down, Your Holiness" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

    "Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

    The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

    "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

    The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

    "So bust him," says the Chief.

    "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

    The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

    "No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence..

    The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"

    Cop: "Bigger."

    Chief: "A senator?"

    Cop: "Bigger."

    Chief: "The Prime Minister?"

    Cop: "Bigger."

    "Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

    Cop: "I think it's God!"

    The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"

    Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope!"

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Homer Glen Il.

  3. #3
    oklagp1200r's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Newcastle, Oklahoma

  4. #4
    OzarkYamMonster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Lake Of The Ozarks
    Loved it .... keep them coming. We need something to laugh about. ):

  5. #5
    Mod less, ride more! troyheb's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Nederland, Texas
    They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing .

    There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

    I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

    A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

    The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

    'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that '

    'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

    The Receptionist replied 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

    The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

    The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

    'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

    The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

    'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

    The waiting room erupted in laughter...

    Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!

  6. #6
    Duke's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Letter to husband - you'll love the p.s.

    My darling husband,
    Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
    Your loving wife.
    ... XXX

    P.S. Your girlfriend called.
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version. 

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  7. #7
    cigarlust's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Funky town (Fort Worth TX)
    Whats the worst thing about sitting on santas lap when he has a boner? You don't slide off!

  8. #8
    Duke's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to.get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

    ... MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

    On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to
    her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-
    haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a

    The old woman said, "You're not really
    asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at
    you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled,
    "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

    She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
    Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

    She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you
    still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman
    leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I
    rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

  9. #9
    shrabber's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Jacksonville, FL
    When I was Growing Up I sat next to a kid who was a teacher pet His name was Johnny. I hated the Kid Until I found out the deal. Everyday He used to Bring Raisins to the Teacher One day He stop Bringing Raisins, The teacher asked " Johnny why did you not bring me any raisins today?" Johnny responded " My rabbit Died "

  10. #10
    big john's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Cocoa Beach, Florida, United States
    Best Divorce Letter ever written
    Dear Connie,

    I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
    "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left,
    I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded
    little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one
    to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come
    crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see
    that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I
    don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care
    who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

    Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And
    this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I
    look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but
    they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this
    girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to
    hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
    She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only
    youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a
    perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just
    wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch
    blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made
    important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

    What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well,
    in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her
    a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately
    attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that
    I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
    tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
    thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her
    flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something
    else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?
    And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't
    there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
    Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going
    crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
    Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn
    lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of
    lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman
    around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the
    real story.

    Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know,
    we're bonking away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total
    monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a
    real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her
    career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she
    spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she
    puts it on the floor and we straddle it,
    right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes
    me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever
    put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14
    years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

    Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining
    order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty
    good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during
    this painful time.
    She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in
    She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So
    we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
    happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and
    all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were
    18. And that just about makes me cry.

    And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that
    gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about
    trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness
    between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside
    your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's
    true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we
    could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start
    fresh? I think we can.
    If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

    Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.

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