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  1. #1
    ph2ocraft's Avatar
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    Joke of The Day

    Mexican Grandmother:

    LAWYERS SHOULD NEVER ASK A MEXICAN GRANDMA A QUESTION IF THEY AREN'T PREPARED FOR THE ANSWER. IN A TRIAL, IN A SMALL TOWN in TEXAS, A PROSECUTING ATTORNEY CALLED HIS FIRST WITNESS, A MEXICAN
    GRANDMOTHER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN TO THE STAND.

    HE APPROACHED HER AND ASKED, MRS SANCHEZ,"DO YOU KNOW ME?"

    SHE RESPONDED, "SI, I MEANA, YES I KNOW YOU MR. WILLIAMS.KNOWN YOU SINCE YOU WERE A CHAVALITO AND FRANKLY YOU'VE BEEN A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME. YOU LIE, YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, AND YOU MANIPULATE PEOPLE AND TALK ABOUT THEM BEHIND THEIR BACKS. YOU THINK YOU'RE A BIG SHOT WHEN YOU HAVEN'T THE BRAINS TO REALIZE YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO NOTHIN' BUT A TWO BIT! PAPERPUSHER. YES I KNOW YOU."

    THE LAWYER WAS STUNNED. NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO DO, HE POINTED ACROSS THE ROOM AND ASKED, MRS. SANCHEZ, DO YOU KNOW THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY? SHE AGAIN REPLIED, "WHY YESH I DO. I'VE KNOWN MR. RODRIGUEZ SINCE HE WAS A CHAVALITO TOO. HE'S LAZY, GORDO, AND HE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. HE CAN'T HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH NOBODY AND HE HAS THE WORST LAW PRACTICE
    IN THE STATE. HA! AND NOT TO MENTION HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH THREE DIFFERENT PUTAS. ONE OF THEM WAS YOUR WIFE. YOU MEMBER? I KNOW MR.RODRIGUEZ, HIS MAMA IS NOT PROUD OF HIM."

    THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY ALMOST DIED.

    THE JUDGE ASKED BOTH COUNSELORS TO APPROACH THE BENCH AND IN A VERY QUIET VOICE SAID, "IF EITHER OF YOU IDIOTS ASK HER IF SHE KNOWS ME, I"LL SEND YOU TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR."


  2. #2
    ph2ocraft's Avatar
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    Why'd The Chicken Cross The Road??

    Why'd the chicken cross the road?

    To kick the kids ass!!

  3. #3
    Happily Self-Employed WFO's Avatar
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    That chicken cracks me up

  4. #4
    subarupartsdude's Avatar
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    That is some funny chit.

  5. #5
    R-Doo's Avatar
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    The following are all replies that Dallas, Texas women filled out on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details". Or putting it another way... Who's your Daddy? These are actual excerpts from the forms (truth be told??).
    1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
    2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party, if this helps.
    3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 831 Birdie Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks!
    4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
    5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again

    6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise .
    7. edited
    8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time ... well, I don't have clue.
    9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at DisneyWorld; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
    10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans, you can't be sure which one made you fart.

  6. #6
    800AMSOIL4U's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ph2ocraft View Post
    Why'd the chicken cross the road?

    To kick the kids ass!!
    LOL that was great.

  7. #7
    ph2ocraft's Avatar
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    An oldie but goodie

    Your Driver's License Tells :

    A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

    "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
    "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

    "It's not polite."
    "OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"

    "Now really," the mother says,
    "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

    Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
    "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

    The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

    "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

    "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.
    It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

    Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old youare, you are 32."

    The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
    "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
    The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
    "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

    "And," the little girl says triumphantly,
    "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."





    "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"






    "Because you got an F in sex."

  8. #8
    One day at a time..... N8R's Avatar
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    sounds like something that my son would say

  9. #9
    ph2ocraft's Avatar
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    PREGNANT TURKEY

    One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.
    Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

    When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

    When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
    With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
    "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

    It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

    Yep, SHE'S BLONDE

  10. #10
    Moderator RX951's Avatar
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