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Thread: Taser story

  1. #1
    FIRED!!! JP's Avatar
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    Talking Taser story

    I got this email, and HAD to post it up, this is so funny I cried. You might want to read in when you are alone with no one within hearing distance. Absolutely priceless!

    The funniest part is the poor guy who not only bought the taser but
    admits to the story! Read his job title at the bottom. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
    submitted this.

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
    my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
    a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
    supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO
    COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

    I loaded two triple -a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
    button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
    button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
    the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the
    prongs.??

    AWESOME!!!?

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
    the face of her microwave!

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!??

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
    little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
    really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
    must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
    and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
    to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
    want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
    Am I wrong???

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    hand, and taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
    your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
    and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
    reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
    water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
    batteries?? All the while I'm looking at this little device
    measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty
    cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
    thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
    side as if to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second
    burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
    decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched
    the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
    the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
    over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
    with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
    nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    position, and tingling in my legs!

    The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
    before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again,
    stupid, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
    note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
    zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
    from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second
    burst would be considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
    that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
    the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and
    both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
    with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

    I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward
    for their safe return!!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid

    Mike Martin, Sgt.
    Albemarle Police Dept.
    School Resource Officer
    Albemarle High School




    JP




  2. #2
    Water Bum Rodneyae's Avatar
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  3. #3
    Still crazy after all these beers Mac Daddy Racing's Avatar
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    nice!!!

  4. #4
    Duke's Avatar
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    That was friggen hillarious!!!!

  5. #5
    axgrider73's Avatar
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    I would have just used it on the cat!

  6. #6
    r33pwrd's Avatar
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    Man that shit is funny!



    I have done a dog bark collar and that was bad enough!

  7. #7
    Moderator The Bandit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by axgrider73 View Post
    I would have just used it on the cat!
    +1

  8. #8
    r33pwrd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by axgrider73 View Post
    I would have just used it on the cat!
    be carefull f8ckin with a cat!

    A few years back my wife wanted a kitten so we got one... damn thing would lay in our bed a suck on its paws at 3 in the morning it was the most anyoning thing.... A friend said put tabasco sauce on its paws... so i did... I made the mistake aof leaving the full bottle (without the lid) on my head board of the bed (it had a small shelf) the bastard cat knocked it off in the middle of the night and landed on my face... not a big deal until I opened my eyes! Bastard cat!

  9. #9
    It is a great story but there is one thing thats confusing to me. A Taser fires 2 electrodes approx 15ft or more depending on size of unit. The whole point of the Taser is its "standoff" capability. If you are close enough to touch the unit to the assailant, it can be stripped out of your hand. I thought the Tasers now sold commercially are 1 shot units. The manufacturer claims to register all cartridges. Taser also spits coded material on ground so law enforcement can quickly verify registered owner. It sounds like this guy in article is talking about a "cattle prod" type unit that has a blue arc that must be pressed against the assailant. (Maybe made by same manufr?) I saw a show recently where this guy volunteered to let law enforcement blast him with a Taser, pepper spray him in the face, shoot him with rubber bullets etc. The reaction to the Taser shot was pretty much as the guy in article describes but its mechanical function is still very different from "cattle prod." Merely pointing a Taser at someone has same consequence here in WA as pointing a handgun, ie only in self defense or possible Assault w Deadly Weapon. Cant take em across border into Canada either without risk of big trouble.

  10. #10
    Duke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blue 182 View Post
    It is a great story but there is one thing thats confusing to me. A Taser fires 2 electrodes approx 15ft or more depending on size of unit.
    Many different types available Blue. The type he is taling about can be purchased easily and almost anywhere here in the states.

    I wouldn't have thought twice about tazing the cat.

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