Thread: Taser story
02-08-2008, 01:49 AM #1
I got this email, and HAD to post it up, this is so funny I cried. You might want to read in when you are alone with no one within hearing distance. Absolutely priceless!
The funniest part is the poor guy who not only bought the taser but
admits to the story! Read his job title at the bottom. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple -a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!??
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries?? All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty
cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again,
stupid, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second
burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid
Mike Martin, Sgt.
Albemarle Police Dept.
School Resource Officer
Albemarle High School
02-08-2008, 06:12 AM #2
02-08-2008, 07:32 AM #3
02-08-2008, 09:44 AM #4
02-08-2008, 10:19 AM #5
02-08-2008, 12:04 PM #6
Man that shit is funny!
I have done a dog bark collar and that was bad enough!
02-08-2008, 12:17 PM #7
02-08-2008, 03:46 PM #8
A few years back my wife wanted a kitten so we got one... damn thing would lay in our bed a suck on its paws at 3 in the morning it was the most anyoning thing.... A friend said put tabasco sauce on its paws... so i did... I made the mistake aof leaving the full bottle (without the lid) on my head board of the bed (it had a small shelf) the bastard cat knocked it off in the middle of the night and landed on my face... not a big deal until I opened my eyes! Bastard cat!
02-09-2008, 08:54 PM #9
It is a great story but there is one thing thats confusing to me. A Taser fires 2 electrodes approx 15ft or more depending on size of unit. The whole point of the Taser is its "standoff" capability. If you are close enough to touch the unit to the assailant, it can be stripped out of your hand. I thought the Tasers now sold commercially are 1 shot units. The manufacturer claims to register all cartridges. Taser also spits coded material on ground so law enforcement can quickly verify registered owner. It sounds like this guy in article is talking about a "cattle prod" type unit that has a blue arc that must be pressed against the assailant. (Maybe made by same manufr?) I saw a show recently where this guy volunteered to let law enforcement blast him with a Taser, pepper spray him in the face, shoot him with rubber bullets etc. The reaction to the Taser shot was pretty much as the guy in article describes but its mechanical function is still very different from "cattle prod." Merely pointing a Taser at someone has same consequence here in WA as pointing a handgun, ie only in self defense or possible Assault w Deadly Weapon. Cant take em across border into Canada either without risk of big trouble.
02-10-2008, 08:18 AM #10
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