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Thread: Legal Funnies

  1. #1
    Moderator RX951's Avatar
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    Talking Legal Funnies

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
    __________________________________________________ ________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    __________________________________________________ ________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of somethingyou forgot?
    __________________________________________________ _______

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you thatmorning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    __________________________________________________ _______

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    __________________________________________________ ________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    __________________________________________________ ________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
    __________________________________________________ ________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you sh*tin’ me?
    __________________________________________________ ________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh... I was gettin' laid!
    __________________________________________________ ________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Are you s****** me? Your Honor, I think I need adifferent attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    __________________________________________________ ________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
    __________________________________________________ _______

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Guess.
    __________________________________________________ ________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant toa deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    __________________________________________________ _______

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performedon dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.Would you like to rephrase that?
    __________________________________________________ _______

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    __________________________________________________ _______

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why Iwas doing an autopsy on him!

    __________________________________________________ _______

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh...are you qualified to ask that question?
    __________________________________________________ _______

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alivewhen you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


  2. #2
    All hail the Chief! fullboogie's Avatar
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    Baaaahaaaa! I can't wait to have something like this happen to me!

  3. #3
    gpr_redneck's Avatar
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    LMFAO that was some great stuff

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    haha, that's some good stuff.

  5. #5

    Judge Suspended for Inapproriate Remarks

    A Judge in Maryland was suspended for 30 days for making inappropiate jokes and comments in his court.

    --To a defendant who asked for mercy--"I dont have any mercy. Havent you heard I'm a merciless SOB"

    --To a defendant accused of speeding--"Whats the big hurry to get back to Pennsylvania? Its an ugly place."

    --A mother wanted her son to do a drug diversion program--"I am not one of those touchy feely judges that goes for programs where everyone holds hands and sings kum by ya and then they hand out lollipops and gift certificates..I think jail has a telling affect on some people...especially if they are as young and dumb like your son."

    --To a defendant accused of driving on a suspended license--"Well Mr. Jones, the hits keep coming. I mean if there is a pile of shit there youll step in it..So am I doing the taxpayers justice by locking up this stupid ass or just punishing the taxpayers? But he is one of biggest dumb asses I've ever seen."

    Judge said he was just trying to talk in a langugage these criminal defendats will understand.
    Last edited by Blue 182; 05-17-2008 at 09:28 PM. Reason: Typo

  6. #6
    The ski's have taken a "backseat" to the Corvette DarthAWM's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blue 182 View Post
    A Juge in Maryland was suspended for 30 days for making inappropiate jokes and comments in his court.

    --To a defendant who asked for mercy--"I dont have any mercy. Havent you heard I'm a merciless SOB"

    --To a defendant accused of speeding--"Whats the big hurry to get back to Pennsylvania? Its an ugly place."

    --A mother wanted her son to do a drug diversion program--"I am not one of those touchy feely judges that goes for programs where everyone holds hands and sings kum by ya and then they hand out lollipops and gift certificates..I think jail has a telling affect on some people...especially if they are as young and dumb like your son."

    --To a defendant accused of driving on a suspended license--"Well Mr. Jones, the hits keep coming. I mean if there is a pile of shit there youll step in it..So am I doing the taxpayers justice by locking up this stupid ass or just punishing the taxpayers? But he is one of biggest dumb asses I've ever seen."

    Judge said he was just trying to talk in a langugage these criminal defendats will understand.
    Damn, they had to suspend him, he could see the truth and tell it too.

  7. #7
    Moderated GPRXPJared's Avatar
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    LOL

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