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Thread: The Cat

  1. #1
    Hydrotoys's Avatar
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    The Cat

    The Cat



    A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the
    evening. They turned on a night light, turned the
    answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet
    parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned
    the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
    arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave
    their house.

    The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back
    into the house. They don't want the cat shut up in the
    house because she always tries to eat the bird. The
    wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes
    inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man
    in hot pursuit.

    Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver
    to know the house will be empty for the night. She
    explains to the taxi driver that Her husband will be
    out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to
    my mother."

    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
    "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive
    away."Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to
    poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
    She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck.
    Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
    scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass
    downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

    The cabdriver hit a parked car. . . .


  2. #2
    ramnj's Avatar
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    That one was good!! Going to email that one out.

    LMAO!!

  3. #3
    R.I.P. 11's Avatar
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    You know Mark I am usually very good at telling my friends when their sense of humour takes a shit and feel compelled to do so.

    Well, Mark, I have something to tell you.....

  4. #4
    Hydrotoys's Avatar
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    You have friends?

  5. #5
    R.I.P. 11's Avatar
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    Well I thought you were, so with my cat I thought that made it 2...

  6. #6
    Hydrotoys's Avatar
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    Well,
    I got one vote funny, and one vote sucks. I'm running about my prime.

  7. #7
    Hydrotoys's Avatar
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    Maybe you will find this one about cats funny. I found it painful.

    We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

    Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

    The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

    "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam "Reset ityourself!"

    But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

    So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.

    And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

    I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region.

    Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

    When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter . . . and not succeeding.

    Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in
    to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

    "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew!

    Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

  8. #8
    R.I.P. 11's Avatar
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    Mark, when someone is trying to nicely hint at you that your sense of humour took a shit, it means it really did take a shit.
    So any attempt to bounce out of it will just highlight even more blatantly that your sense of humour, indeed took a shit...

  9. #9
    R.I.P. 11's Avatar
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    Next thing you know Mark will be pasting Al (ph2ocraft)'s jokes and it will be the beginning of the end.

  10. #10
    Hydrotoys's Avatar
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    Washing Your Cat


    Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).


    Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a variety of odors... from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember... your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.


    So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.


    Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you .... you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
    First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.


    A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.


    Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.


    Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.


    Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire... the cat barely notices you anyway.


    Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is essential. In one single liquid motion .shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.


    As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.


    During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.


    Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.


    Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat . reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.


    If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.


    Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.


    In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.

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