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Thread: Tools explained

  1. #1
    Happily Self-Employed WFO's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Houston, Texas

    Tools explained

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
    flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
    chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
    freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
    where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
    under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
    and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
    to say, 'Oh sh -- '

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
    holes until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads Sometimes used in the creation
    of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
    touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
    dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
    heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
    intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
    flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
    grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
    handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
    to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
    into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
    the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
    of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
    lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
    on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
    Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
    to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
    butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
    is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
    adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
    cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
    well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
    bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
    parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in

    DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
    while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
    often, the next tool that you will need

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Orange, TX
    Funny!!!! Maybe you should add that brake cleaner/carb cleaner can be used to burn the eyes and make one go blind momentarily, which can lead to the creation of many new cuss words.

  3. #3
    Moderator OsideBill's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    United States
    I do not need to ever buy a tool again, as I have all of these

    I do have some hard to find tools though.

    BFH -for when the regular size hammer just won't do enough damage.

    Metric Crescent Wrench- A must have for those tricky metric fasteners

    Brass Magnet- to pick up those dropped brass parts in hard to reach places.

  4. #4
    Moderator RX951's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    League City, Texas
    Excellent post Richard. Good description for those who are new to tools and the nomenclature involved
    And how things can go south quickly !

  5. #5
    axgrider73's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Southeast Ohio
    Now that was funny!!!

    Probably because most of that has happened to me. Especially the blood blister from the pliers part.

  6. #6
    King_Of_Fun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Catawba Island, Ohio
    What about the tire pressure guage for radial tires?... Ron

  7. #7
    Moderator The Bandit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Wilmette, IL
    Frikkin hilarious!

  8. #8
    jpeconsult's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Pineville, LA
    funny stuff.

  9. #9
    WATER WOODY's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Minden, Nevada, United States

    I have a cordless extension cord!

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